The Puritan Problem

Some of my earliest memories include a pair of Superman underoos and a homemade red cape my mother made. I would wear these two things and nothing else. Jumping over tables and off swing sets, running from room to room guided by my fist, these were my first memories of finding a good pair of underwear.

For this reason I stayed firmly committed to briefs. Boxers were still unknown to this boy of nine. When I began middle school back in ’88 as a boy of 11, I did what all young men do—delved into boxer shorts, deodorant too. Briefs were for sissies and geeks; boxers were for aspiring playas.

Secretly, though, I quickly tired of boxers. No active young man has any business wearing the things, anyway, for no other reason than their scrunching—defined as the gravitational pull toward one’s delicate parts or the thong tendency. Go to gym class, walk the halls, sit up, sit down, and by the end of the day one can model for Frederick’s, so severe is the scrunching, which requires constant picking.

I always saw the whole “freedom” and “need to breathe” arguments for boxers as overrated and easily outweighed by the scrunching factor. Plus, they’re hardly elastic. A funny slide, a long stride, an awkward twist—these things can lead to a crotch tear.

Still, I spent most of my later formative years bouncing back and forth between boxers and briefs. For a time I went through the silk phase—silk sheets, silk robes, and silk boxers. The sheets are overrated, more for show if anything; the boxers, while having fine prints such as an angry Taz bursting from the behind, hearts, or smoking guns for the front, are far from durable. They also lose that smooth silky texture fairly soon.

So I sighed and went back to briefs as the lesser of two evils (Yes, I know that is the very opposite of my non-voting logic. But hey, with voting I have a choice, to vote or not to vote. Underwear is nonnegotiable. No “free-balling” or “commando” here. Heard too many zipper horror stories.).

Then, several years ago—when exactly? I don’t know—my situation took a dramatic turn for the better. The best of both boxers and briefs were combined into the “boxer briefs,” a brilliant invention. Much of the western world has discovered the virtues of the boxer briefs as well. Wikipedia has this to say: “The underwear preference among American, Australian, British, Canadian and French teenagers today is leaning toward boxer briefs, probably because of their proximity to both briefs and boxer shorts.” Well duh. One wonders why it took so long for underwear producers to market such a thing.

I view underwear the same way I view cars: reliability is numero uno. Washing them seasonally and filling them up with gas are important too. Sure, a decent feature now and then is nice—such as a paisley print or a sunroof. But overall, the proverbial “from point A to point B” trumps all. The more reliable a thing, the less thought one gives it. With Hanes or Fruit of the Loom this has been my general experience. And that was that.

Until a couple of months ago when I went to Wal-Mart to buy a few more pair. They were all fairly similar with some modest variations. I chose a set of Puritans. Since I’ve been satisfied with the Puritan dress shirt I’ve had for the past couple years, I considered the underwear brand change a nonissue. Silly idea.

It took no more than a couple days before I noticed a problem. The open groin section in the front had a serious overlap deficiency. Ladies, this may seem a foreign language, but hear me out. Learn a little. Every fellow or whore knows the arrangement. There is first the right side which covers most of the area in question. The left side sits on top, leaving significant overlap and protection of cloth. That should be the end of the matter.

Puritans, however, are very conservative with the overlap; there can’t be more than an inch. Hence the problem—the constant peaking out of one’s parts. Running on my treadmill in Puritans is always interesting. Going to work in them is not. I suppose it could be a size issue as some beasts cannot be tamed. I’m open to suggestions.

Overall, not a good buy. Men, I’d stay away from Puritans. Pervs and male prostitutes, I give you your niche.

Oh, by the way, anyone else find it a little curious that Puritans, of all things, make for easy sin?