Obombanation

Sometime in November 2006 I took a business trip to Arlington, Virginia, for a night. When I got to the hotel I turned on the TV, just to unwind a minute as little good can come from such an exercise. I flipped around until I came across a C-SPAN program that caught my attention. It was about the excitement being generated around some silver-tongued, underdog, Illinois politician named Barack Obama.

The reason why it caught my eye was because the last time some silver-tongued, underdog, Illinois politician rose up from nowhere America suffered its greatest calamity. But there was more. People were smiling and wetting themselves to his words. They were flocking from near and far to hear his sermons. "He's so different," they said. Some unwashed mass even proclaimed, "I haven't felt this excited since Jack Kennedy." It was then that I knew this Obama person was a fraud, a bamboozler. You see, friend, I trust most of my fellow citizens—well, the 1/3 of them who vote, anyway; the smarter majority long ago left the business of voting—to make the tough political decisions. I do. I trust them to make the right idiotic choices and to be the biggest suckers in the room, for they are always ripe for a savior.

I gave little thought about Mr. Obama until I heard he would be running for president. Not long after that I was coming back to Baltimore from another business trip in D.C. On the train was an attractive—liberal minded—20-something girl reading a book called The Audacity of Hope. Pictured along such highfalutin lingua was a grinning Barack Obama. Which was yet further evidence that he was a phony. Because having an American politician offer us commoners thoughts of real hope is like a pious virgin preaching the arts of bestial sodomy.

Months had passed until I'd decided to give the man another chance because there was nothing else on TV. I came across one of his speeches. After about ten minutes I gave up and vowed never to doubt my instincts again. All hands cheered his talk of "change." And they ate up all the reassurances of "yes, we can." How "we can" and what "we can" Obama didn't answer. And who is "we" anyway? He consistently avoided specifics. The crowd didn't care, though. They were gonna get their change because they deserve it and Bush is bad and they've got it coming and Bush is bad, and that is all that mattered. It was ten minutes of sappy ether.

The final piece of evidence against the Great Changer was the acceptance of Obama by the mainstream media, Fixed News excepted. For any politician representing real change would never be given the time of day by the gatekeepers of official opinion. The whole charade would grind to a halt.

Ah, but perhaps you, reader, have fallen for the seductive lure of our Great Changer? If so, you surely know very little about the man. Let me help. I'll save you the work. He is little different from any other clown who's ever resided in the imperial capital. He only looks so good because his would be predecessor looks so bad. Since he has pledged to support the Israeli regime, he will continue the war in Iraq and perhaps wage it against Iran, that's if Bush doesn't do it before he goes to hell; he will maintain the vast web of parasitical bureaucracies; he will maintain the counterfeiting operation known as the Federal Reserve; he will Sovietize medical services; he will crack down on oil speculating which will lead to shortages because he is bedfellows with the ethanol lobby; he will gun grab. Not really my idea of an innovative statesman.

Most comical about the Obama campaign are his devotees, a colorful and zealous bunch. They mainly consist of naive antiwar voters, spiteful liberals, panting socialists, and bandwagon jobs. They are well fortified against the facts. Obama has made threats against Iran and Pakistan; he has pledged to send more troops to Afghanistan; he will maintain the "Green Zone" in Iraq. Of course, he does all these things with a noble air of diplomacy, so say his followers. Others assure us that he will return to his "dovish" ways once he is crowned. Don't hold your breath.

The secret to Barack Obama is that he allows many Americans to convince themselves that change can be gotten on the cheap, like one of those thousands of exciting emails that inform lazy dreamers like myself that they can net $250,000 on a schedule of 20hr/wk…and this is only in the first year. But the American system is so deeply screwed that anything short of a deus ex machina will not suffice. Most Americans understand that they are screwed on some level. They just don't understand the depth of the screwing, which has been ongoing for well over a century. It has only now reached the openly farcical stage, where the highest office in the land is occupied by a roundly reviled, rootin' tootin', cross-eyed half-wit.

One more thing, reader. Lest you go making hasty assumptions, although not a member of the Obama cult, I am no McCain lover. Indeed, all civilized men as well as conservatives must stand against John McCain. The man is clearly insane and hated by even his fellow Republicans. His main qualification for high office is that he got his ass kicked again…and again…and again. There is little mystery and thus little else to say about McCain. His warhawking antics would make Bush seem like a quiet Buddhist monk in comparison.

The two main choices for Sith Lord are atrocious. But I do prefer Obama to McCain, in the same way that I prefer Mark David Chapman to John Wayne Gacy. With McCain, we die by racking; with Obama, firing squad. The choice is therefore obvious. So can I get a light?